The Ugly Duckling Series: Nikki

9:00 AM

I'm going to be honest; I still don't know how I feel about posting this, but I feel like there are a few lessons that will come out of this, so what the heck. I have grown up around people who would always playfully tease me with my flaws. So I grew up knowing every little thing that is "wrong" with me. Here are a few things that I struggle with everyday:

1.) Nose

As a Filipino, I have that pango nose most Filipinos have. Pango means flat-nosed in Tagalog, a Filipino dialect. I've always been so insecure of my nose ever since I can remember. My uncles would even make a name to describe my pango-ness, and the name was Pango-hontas. It was definitely not a very smart name, nor even funny. But, as years go by, I have learned to embrace my nose. Being a true Filipina means that you have a pango nose, and I am proud to be a Filipina!

2.) Weight

Before coming to the United States, I was not really fat, but I have been teased that I was fat. So I told myself that once I step foot in the US that I would get skinnier and have that perfectly sculpt body. That did not happen. I got so depressed and started to gain weight to a point where I am basically getting much more depressed because of my weight. There was a point where I hated myself even more because I let myself go, and I didn’t care about myself. In order for me to lose weight, I was taking diet pills, and skipping meals, and I just got more tired, and I gained more weight because I would be in and out of my diet. It was really horrible!

I started hanging out with friends who truly cared about me, and that is when I felt that I should like myself for whoever I am. I am fat, and I have accepted it. The only reason why I don’t like being fat is because I cannot do the things that I used to do, like dancing. I start getting tired even after a few minutes of dancing, and I used to dance a lot. Before, I would try to lose weight because I don’t like how I looked; now, my goal is to be healthy. I want to be able to play sports without feeling like I am going to collapse. I want to be able to dance, once again until my feet give up on me.

I remember that one time when this guy, who I had a relationship with like YEARS AGO, added me on Facebook. Since my sister and I want to promote our photo booth business, I accepted his friend request. He sent me a message, and of course, I was able to mention about our business page.
He also started to ask who the guy in one of my profile picture is, so I told him he is my boyfriend. He, all of a sudden, was saying that he wants to see me, blah blah blah, and that his girlfriend just broke up with him, which is a complete LIE!! His Facebook is full of pictures of his girlfriend, so I was just ignoring what he was saying. I guess I just kept on talking just so I would not come off as rude. I don't want people assuming that I stopped talking to other people because I'm "in America now, and that I lost my Filipino values," because that is not the reason why I just stop talking to other people.

After that, he was asking if I have eaten, as if he was really interested to know, then all of a sudden, he suggested that I should go on a diet. And I was just like, WTF! So I responded, "Why should I go on a diet if I am very much happy with the way I look right now?"

After saying that, I just realized how much happier I am than I thought I was. I've been seeing a counselor because I felt very unhappy of myself, but I realized that the only reason that was is because I've been surrounding myself with people who are very unhappy of themselves, as well, and that negativity was getting into my head, too.

I have curves, and I do have a bigger tummy than your average Asian, but you know what, I have a bigger chest than an average Asian, too. And this just proves that I am not just an average Asian.

I don't want to sound too confident, but I just want everybody to know that you are very much beautiful in your own way! Do not let anybody say otherwise. Be yourself and you will be very happy!

3.) Boobs

Like what I mentioned before, I do have a bigger chest than your average Asian, and I would always get teased about it like I had something to do with my big chest. I have had thoughts of having a boob-reduction because it is starting to hurt my back, and it just feels too heavy. Also, I just looked bigger with such big boobs!

How did I get over it? I was talking to my research professor one day, and I guess we just started talking about my struggles while we were eating lunch. My research professor is doing research for cancer therapy, and I opened up about my fear of getting breast cancer because of how big my chest is. I explained to my research professor that I have been having backaches because of it. My research professor told me that I should not do any cosmetic surgery because I should love myself just the way I am. My research professor also said that I am such a great person, in and out, and I should be proud of it. There is more to our conversation and I think I should just keep it to myself, but after our conversation, I was convinced that God gave me all these traits because He knows that I’ll be at my best with all these traits. It takes time to really love oneself, but it is definitely worth it.

So, there is the list. They may not be a lot, but trust me everyday is still a struggle. I just feel like I have less physical insecurities because I have more to worry about emotionally. I still try to overcome these insecurities day by day, and I think that it gets better. Always remember, you should love yourself for whoever you are. We all come in different shapes and different sizes, and there is no exact perfect person. Society just named Barbie as the perfect person, and yet it is not even a person, it is a toy. Love your curves; love yourself.



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